"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
it's like iHOP with fire
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
