youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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