My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
