Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
