4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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