So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
