i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
