Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
