The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
