remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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