No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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