Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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