Im at strip club and am horny
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Randomize
