I CAN MOONWALK!
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
MIDGETS
????
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
