Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
