I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
