you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
