guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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