So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
don't judge my taste in strippers
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
