I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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