I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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