I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
A+ Viking dick
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