I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
vagina is talking i cant
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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