please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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