I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
