Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
