i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
