He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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