I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
