Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
