Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
