My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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