she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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