you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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