my phone needs a breathalizer
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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