the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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