If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
