does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
