I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
