your thong is hanging out like whoa
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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