His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
