Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
