saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
tell me about the fingering
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