gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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