I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
