So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
