she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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