my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
