So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
