Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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